Why do i feel like this?

So I've been strictly metal for a few years now, starting at stuff
like, metallica, then to disturbed, stuff like slipknot, nd korn,
then pantera, eventually up to deathmetal now. Now im strictly Death
metal, and i shun the music i used to listen to because its not
"heavy" enough, or "real" metal to me anymore.

I listen to it when others put it on nd rock out like before, but i
feel like if i put it on my ipod i would be a kind of pussy or
something. Now that my girlfriend left me, ive found the taboo music,
like club, music, and normal rock, like red hot chili peppers, and
sublime, alright too, but i feel like if i put it on my ipod i would
be a hippocrite because i hated on them for so long. not to mention i
still LOVE deathmetal, and the scene, with my long ass hair and pure
band tees. I like it, but maybe not enough to put it on my ipod.

Another thing is that i dont feel like i fit into the crowd, im not
angry, im just like the music. Im not social at all so when i see
another metalhead im quick to judge them on their music. all my
friends are misfits almost, we all have very different tastes and
styles. i dont fit in with them (my child hood friends) and i dont
seem to make any metal friends. I believe in peace and i am very non
violent, but i have alot of self hatred at times, and act out of pure
emotions sometimes. I just dont know where i fit in, because i long
for many friends and a grilf friend and blah blah blah like everyone
else, but i also want to do it differently, in my own way (metal) but
i just cant seem, to do it.

Just looking for any and all advice, Im sure there's alot more i could
say on the subject but its gettin late and i am tired, if you need or
want to know more, or even just want to sympathize.empathize, or share
the experience please be my guest.

The Original Metal Hippy